Anxiety sucks hard,
I hate taking xanax, I am very concerned that I am going to become addicted to it. Some days the only way I can function is with it. I am so crippled with fear that I have cancer and I am dying. The fear of leaving these boys leaves me is a state of not functioning. and not being here for them NOW.
My "father" was on medication for anxiety. Now as an adult that I have/had anxiety, I know the signs and now know that my mother had it pretty bad as well. I wish she were alive so I could talk to her about her anxiety. Its such a taboo subject. I just wish we could get in a place, in this world where we could talk about it, I think we would be surprise at how many people really have it.
I know Why I have it right now, and I pray that it passes sooner rather than later. I hope that being on vacation will take my mind off of the deaths. On to more positive things. Hopefully looking forward to and planning for my future. I am always planning for my boys future, what does MY future hold.. What kind of life do I want for the rest of MY life. I certainly know it isn't spending hours every single day cleaning this house. hmmm something to ponder.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Waiting...
When You have so many losses, of people so close to you, in such a short amount of time.
It leaves you waiting,Looking around the corner, Who is next? Is it me Lord? Is is someone that
is close to me Lord.
Waiting and watching, because you KNOW someone is next. He is going to come and take either me, or someone that I love.. hasn't that already proved itself to be true?
So, I lay awake at night, thinking about all that I have Lost, and worrying about who I am going to lose next. Sometimes in so much fear that I can't breath, sometimes in so much grief that I can't stop crying.
It gives a total new meaning to one of my favorite songs from Church. "is it I Lord"?
Right now, as I type this, is 4 am. I have been laying awake for hours in fear.
Also knowing that I need enough sleep to function for my boys tomorrow, yet sleep won't come.
I am so tired of asking for Gods help. No matter what it seems that life only gets harder and harder.
It leaves you waiting,Looking around the corner, Who is next? Is it me Lord? Is is someone that
is close to me Lord.
Waiting and watching, because you KNOW someone is next. He is going to come and take either me, or someone that I love.. hasn't that already proved itself to be true?
So, I lay awake at night, thinking about all that I have Lost, and worrying about who I am going to lose next. Sometimes in so much fear that I can't breath, sometimes in so much grief that I can't stop crying.
It gives a total new meaning to one of my favorite songs from Church. "is it I Lord"?
Right now, as I type this, is 4 am. I have been laying awake for hours in fear.
Also knowing that I need enough sleep to function for my boys tomorrow, yet sleep won't come.
I am so tired of asking for Gods help. No matter what it seems that life only gets harder and harder.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A Box
A box,
I am in a box.
A box of my own making. I don't know if I don't want out, or if I don't know how to come out of my box.
I do know that I don't want to allow anyone in my box.
If I had my own way I would never even look out of my box.
My box is safe.
I am in a box.
A box of my own making. I don't know if I don't want out, or if I don't know how to come out of my box.
I do know that I don't want to allow anyone in my box.
If I had my own way I would never even look out of my box.
My box is safe.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Anxiety
I have my life right now,
Just because I know the reasons for my anxiety, just because I know that if I take care of myself that it will go away, It doesn't make it any easier on myself or the people around me.
I hate life, I can't enjoy any of it. To do ANYTHING takes great effort.
I guess what I enjoy about being awake during the middle of the night is that I am able to do what my body expects of me right now, which is NOTHING, stare into space.
I hate that I am not enjoying my life, I hate that I am not a fun mom right now. I hate,hate,hate.
This just sucks ass hard.
Sometimes during the day, I'll need to think, I don't have time to think. I am unable to clear my mind to think. I know if I go for a long walk I could think. That isn't possible in my life. If I take a walk the boys would want to go with him. And I love s
Just because I know the reasons for my anxiety, just because I know that if I take care of myself that it will go away, It doesn't make it any easier on myself or the people around me.
I hate life, I can't enjoy any of it. To do ANYTHING takes great effort.
I guess what I enjoy about being awake during the middle of the night is that I am able to do what my body expects of me right now, which is NOTHING, stare into space.
I hate that I am not enjoying my life, I hate that I am not a fun mom right now. I hate,hate,hate.
This just sucks ass hard.
Sometimes during the day, I'll need to think, I don't have time to think. I am unable to clear my mind to think. I know if I go for a long walk I could think. That isn't possible in my life. If I take a walk the boys would want to go with him. And I love s
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Mental Health
Todays life journey leads me to take better care of myself,
I am the type of person that gets too busy, too tired, too lazy to take care of myself. I also tend to pretend things that I can't handle aren't happening.
IT always comes back to you, My anxiety and stress levels have been pretty bad.
So I have decided to take a week to RECHECK myself and how I am taking care of myself.
I have given the boys a week off from school. I went for a walk ALONE today.. not only does it give me the excersize I need for a good state of mental health. It gives me a peaceful time to think. A bubble bath each night with the doors locked, eating healthy,and taking my vitamins.
Its actually feels like a week of vacation for me!
I am the type of person that gets too busy, too tired, too lazy to take care of myself. I also tend to pretend things that I can't handle aren't happening.
IT always comes back to you, My anxiety and stress levels have been pretty bad.
So I have decided to take a week to RECHECK myself and how I am taking care of myself.
I have given the boys a week off from school. I went for a walk ALONE today.. not only does it give me the excersize I need for a good state of mental health. It gives me a peaceful time to think. A bubble bath each night with the doors locked, eating healthy,and taking my vitamins.
Its actually feels like a week of vacation for me!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
10 commandments
I think I am understanding the first commandment. Not having other Gods before our Father seems simple enough. Even the best of us can idolize people, thinking that they for some reason are above us, or better than we are or other people.
At the same time THINGS, Idolizing things, money possessions. God needs to be first in our lives,why is it so hard, so hard to do that? I know that praying is what makes me happy. Why is it that its so hard for me to pray and read the bible regularly?
I will continue studying the 1st commandment.
At the same time THINGS, Idolizing things, money possessions. God needs to be first in our lives,why is it so hard, so hard to do that? I know that praying is what makes me happy. Why is it that its so hard for me to pray and read the bible regularly?
I will continue studying the 1st commandment.
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